Depression and low mood (young people)
Parents and family relationships with depression
Here young people talk about their relationships with parents and family and explain how they felt depression or low mood had affected these relationships.
Complex relationships and depression
Many young people described complex relationships within the family, and some felt that these problems had triggered or contributed to their depression and low mood in the first place.
Some people had experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse at home, being bullied, witnessing messy break ups between parents, and being bereaved.
Others described unsettled and tense home lives or said they 'never got on' with their parent(s) or a stepparent. A few had experienced abandonment or rejection in childhood which had left them with difficulties trusting people later on.
For example, one person told us, 'My dad walked out when I was 3. And I never got over that ever. I don’t think I’ll ever properly get over it, but at least now I’ve dealt with it a bit'.
See also ‘Childhood and life before depression’
When her mum and step dad split up, Kirstie had to tell the Education Welfare Officer which parent she wanted to live with.
When her mum and step dad split up, Kirstie had to tell the Education Welfare Officer which parent she wanted to live with.
When Kirstie saw her dad for the first time after her parents split up, she didn't want to leave him again.
When Kirstie saw her dad for the first time after her parents split up, she didn't want to leave him again.
Some parents struggled with their own problems such as bereavement, relationship breakdowns, and illness.
A few said that depression or mental health problems ran in their family. For some, this was helpful because their parents had firsthand experience of how best to help. Some young people also felt relieved to know that depression wasn’t something they had 'brought on' themselves.
One young woman whose mother experienced severe mental health problems had been a full-time carer for her mum from an early age.
One man described the lack of attention and care he felt from his dad:
'Thinking back, I’d think over time just because he was kind of a big control freak in our family and you know with that he couldn’t really see, he couldn’t really accept it, he couldn’t really open up obviously and say "look, I’m proud of you, son"'.
Difficulties at home caused rifts and arguments between some young people and their families.
One person described how bad things had gotten in the family, explaining that 'It would end up probably fighting, things getting broken…police getting involved or one of us getting arrested, I’ve been arrested loads of times from criminal damage for the house'.
For some young people, problems at home had gotten so bad that they had completely 'fallen out with' one parent or one side of the family, or had decided to leave or been 'kicked out'.
Some lived in supported housing; one woman was placed in care, and a few were 'bunking' with friends.
Some people preferred to have less contact with their parent(s) or some family members, but most said that the one thing they hoped for was to 'build bridges' with their parents and be able to move back home again. They felt alone and unsupported without their family around. As one young person said,
'Even though it’s great having your own flat… I’d love to be back at home. So love it to be back at home. To go back to like when I was like 12, 13, not have the arguments, yeah, you’d still have your mother and daughter arguments, but at the time, you’ll think right I know what’s going to happen now, so just shut up. Just walk away, instead of me arguing back, just walk out the door and that argument would have been done with'.
One young woman talked about her broken relationship with her mum:
'It’s like I get depressed as well when you just sit there and you just want your Mum there. You just want your Mum to be there by your side, ‘cos that’s like one person that knows you well and, you just want that bit of love'.
Bala says it's harder to live on his own and take care of everything by himself but he's getting used to it now after four years in England.
Bala says it's harder to live on his own and take care of everything by himself but he's getting used to it now after four years in England.
Understanding depression in the family
Several young people said their parents didn’t understand mental health problems or depression, especially in the beginning, and some felt that their parents underestimated the seriousness of their problems.
A couple of young people said their parents put their mood down to 'being a mopey teenager' or to 'having the teenage blues'.
One woman said her mum was too ill to notice her mental health problems, explaining that her mum 'doesn’t seem to realise how much of a big effect she’s had on my life in a bad way… She didn’t even notice that I was depressed; I had to go to her and tell her that I was feeling bad. She didn’t even notice'.
One woman explained at length how mental health problems were a 'taboo' subject in the South Asian community and her parents 'couldn’t accept' her depression or self-harming because in her culture 'they don’t exist'.
She found it difficult to find support and said she knew no one else in her community with a mental health problem.
Sara has found it difficult to talk to her parents about her problems because she says in South Asian culture 'the concept of mental health doesn't exist' and is not talked about. (Read by an actor).
Sara has found it difficult to talk to her parents about her problems because she says in South Asian culture 'the concept of mental health doesn't exist' and is not talked about. (Read by an actor).
Ruby's parents knew she had a problem with eating and food but didn't intervene.
Ruby's parents knew she had a problem with eating and food but didn't intervene.
Some parents had been upset or angry when they found out that their children were self-harming. Many had found out unexpectedly and unintentionally which had added to their shock.
Young people felt that shouting and getting angry only added to an already difficult situation. Some said that after finding out, their parents started checking up on them, which in turn had broken the trust on both sides.
One woman said it was difficult for her that her dad 'couldn’t understand self-harm at all' and thought it was 'pathetic and selfish'.
Many young people described feeling guilty about how their low mood or depression affected family dynamics. They felt that their sadness or negativity 'rubbed off' on others or brought others down.
As one young man said, 'I’m sure if that is a universal thing, not being able to really connect with parents really just for fear of letting them down or anything'.
One woman described feeling selfish for having mental health problems and another felt sorry for her family for having to put up with her depression and OCD.
Some said they didn’t always tell their parents how they were feeling or covered up any problems out of fear of upsetting them. A couple felt they couldn’t talk about their problems at home because their parents 'had bigger problems to deal with'.
They also worried about their parents seeing themselves as bad parents and didn’t want their parents to blame themselves.
Dan says his family has 'agonised' over him. He knows that if anything happened to him, it would devastate all the people who love him.
Dan says his family has 'agonised' over him. He knows that if anything happened to him, it would devastate all the people who love him.
Emotional and practical support from family
For many young people, their family, especially parents, had been the biggest source of support when they were going through depression.
Parents were often the first people that young people had talked to about depression. In some cases, it was the parents who had noticed their changing mood and had brought it up themselves.
Craig's worked hard to "patch things up" with his parents and they can speak openly now.
Craig's worked hard to "patch things up" with his parents and they can speak openly now.
Emotionally, young people found it most important to know that their parents were 'always there for me' by being patient and supportive. Being available to talk things through was important too. Some preferred to talk to one of their parents only, or a grandparent, for example.
One woman said that talking to her mum could sometimes be more helpful than to a therapist. For her, when her and her mum 'talk, I think even better than any, any therapist could, she really understands me because we get each other on the same wavelength. Sometimes it feels like a waste of breath talking because she knows what I’m feeling and I know what she’s feeling, you know we’re so similar'.
A couple of people said they felt their family supported them whichever route they wanted to take in life because 'as they say, at the end of the day they just want me to be happy'.
Some young people pointed out that they appreciated the support they received from their parents, even if they weren’t always able to accept it at that time. Young people sometimes preferred to be given space to think things through.
On a practical level, parents had helped young people with transportation to clinics, attended their therapy sessions when appropriate, or made appointments. Especially for those with social phobias, having help with public transport had been essential to get out and about.
Some said that going through depression had pulled their family closer together. They said they had never before realised how important family was for them.
Going through tough times reassured them that they could always rely on their parents. Many also described how dealing with depression had made them communicate more openly as a family. Some people felt that, especially because they had good and happy family lives, they found it hard to 'not have a reason or a cause for depression' and felt that they should not struggle with depression.
Some parents had also been helpful in finding out information about depression, sourcing counselling options, and finding other forms of help for young people.
A few parents had sought help for themselves. One woman described her family’s long battle getting support and therapy for the whole family in order to be able to cope. They felt there were very few services available aimed at helping the whole family.
Siblings and wider family
Siblings also played a big part in young people experience of living with depression. They commonly said that their brothers and sisters had a different way of dealing with depression than parents that was 'a bit more distant', 'light-hearted', or 'jokey'.
One man said that the fact that his relationship with his brothers had stayed the same throughout had been a big help.
He explained, 'Sometimes you need that semblance of normalcy, and it’s having a normal conversation with someone that doesn’t involve the questions as to “How are you feeling now?"'
Some said their siblings had been too young to process things or hear about depression. They had felt protective over younger siblings and didn’t tell them everything at the time.
A couple of people’s siblings developed mental health problems later on and they said they were then better able to understand and support them.
For some, relations with siblings had been more difficult. They felt their siblings worried for them or were angry, for example, if they had taken an overdose.
A couple of people felt their siblings had been unsupportive or didn’t understand depression. A few people felt left out of the family or that their siblings were always at the centre of attention, sometimes because of a chronic illness, disability, or for 'being the clever one'.
One young woman said it was really tough feeling like she was 'the only one in the family with all these problems' and another said she never felt her parents appreciated her in the same way her sister did.
One young woman described how she felt her mum and sister would gang up against her which had made her feel singled out and hypersensitive.
Holly felt like 'the black sheep in the family'
Holly felt like 'the black sheep in the family'
People also talked about the role of other family members and extended family.
Grandparents had a particularly important role in young people’s lives. Many had experienced bereavement in the wider family, and some identified losing close family members as one of the triggers of their depression and low mood.
A few people said they felt uncomfortable around their extended family, or they didn’t want to talk to grandparents about low mood because they were 'more traditional'.
We also talked to one woman who was a mum herself. She said that more than anything she wanted to protect her child from being affected by her low mood, and that 'When you have a child, you have to function. It forces you to function… depression or no depression'.
Blondel describes how she balances living with depression and being a mum.
Blondel describes how she balances living with depression and being a mum.
Last reviewed: July 2025.
Last updated: July 2025.
Copyright © 2024 University of Oxford. All rights reserved.