Infertility
'To tell or not to tell' about infertility and treatment
Whether or not to tell friends, family, and work colleagues about their infertility and treatment was often a difficult and a very personal decision.
Here we discuss why some people chose either to keep their treatment secret, to be selective in who they told, or decided to be very open.
We also discuss people’s thoughts about how they handled this issue, including some who felt they had not handled it well.
Deciding not to tell others about fertility treatment
Sometimes people decided to keep their treatment a secret from the outset. Belinda, like many others, felt that it was, 'a very private thing and is not necessarily something that you want to discuss with everybody'.
Reasons that people gave for not wanting to talk about their infertility and treatment varied. While some just wanted privacy, others were keen to protect their families from disappointment or were concerned that friends would treat them differently, and might not want to share news with them about their own pregnancies.
Some wanted to keep their treatment a secret from work colleagues because they did not want the fact that they were either thinking about a family or seeking treatment to affect their work prospects (see ‘Balancing work with ertility treatment’).
Others simply did not want to involve other people or feared having to deal with other people's emotions along with their own.
Frances didn't tell people, she didn't want people asking her about it.
Frances didn't tell people, she didn't want people asking her about it.
Being selective about telling others about fertility treatment
Treatment for infertility can last months to years. People may start off telling friends and family that they are having treatment but then decide that it is easier to continue without others knowing.
Saskia and her partner told a few very close friends, but kept very vague about their treatment schedule, 'because we didn’t want them phoning up on test day'.
Sometimes people started off keeping their treatment secret but then began to tell family and close friends.
Lulu had told her Mum and a few close friends. But she didn't talk to her mother-in-law for a while and so she assumed that they didn't want children.
Lulu had told her Mum and a few close friends. But she didn't talk to her mother-in-law for a while and so she assumed that they didn't want children.
I was always open about it. I mean you know, I mean, my mother-in-law just, you know we didn’t talk to her about it for a while and she just thought we didn’t want children. You know, and actually once, she just made that assumption that we weren’t going to have children and but she was great once she knew about it, she was great, you know, so yes, quite a difficult, it is a really difficult one that, really, really difficult, because you automatically expect people to understand, but people don’t. And not all women do.
Sarah had not told her parents in law until they almost finished treatment because her husband hadn’t wanted them either worrying or getting too involved. When they did tell them, Sarah felt better that they knew the lengths to which she’d gone to get pregnant and appreciated their support.
Carol found that it was better to be open. People in her close circle now understand why she might sometimes find it hard to attend a christening or family party.
Carol found that it was better to be open. People in her close circle now understand why she might sometimes find it hard to attend a christening or family party.
Some of the people we talked to said that they had become very selective about who they told rather than have to deal with well-meaning advice and concern from other people, which can sometimes feel like extra 'baggage' to have to deal with.
Lulu said that it was sometimes surprising which friends were supportive, and which were not.
Brian didn’t tell anyone at work about his treatment until right at the end, but wished he had. Although his boss wasn’t very sympathetic, he found another work colleague who was 'brilliant'. Talking to this work colleague made him realise that other people have similar problems and he felt less isolated.
He wished that he and his wife had overcome their embarrassment and joined a support group so they could have met others who were in the same situation.
Clara's experience taught her that it was easier to go through treatment in secret.
Clara's experience taught her that it was easier to go through treatment in secret.
Not for a long time. Not for a long time. And then we did tell when we would go for IUI or IVF or whatever and then we found it was too difficult to involve other people. So every time it didn’t work it was like getting the whole emotional bag of other people as well as your own to deal with. And it was like oh it didn’t work. And the whole sympathy thing. It was just… we didn’t feel like that anymore. So we totally did it secretly and didn’t tell anybody. In the end, and it was easier because we had done it before and we didn’t need the support of other people.
Carol found that as treatment has gone on it has been easier to tell fewer people, and keep the 'private grief' between her and her husband.
Carol found that as treatment has gone on it has been easier to tell fewer people, and keep the 'private grief' between her and her husband.
Deciding to be open about discussing fertility treatment
Some of the other people we talked to said they thought it was important to be very open about talking about their fertility problems and treatment. Of course, it helps if both partners feel the same way about being open.
Martin felt it was easier to tell people, 'so that they knew what was going on' in their lives. He felt no shame in talking about it. His wife Naomi was also 'very open' with her friends and family.
She felt it was better to have other outlets to discuss their infertility, outside of their relationship, as, 'If all you’ve got is each other to talk to, it must build up so much pressure. Because you need other outlets. There needed to be times when I could go off and have a good cry to my Mum about it'.
However, not everyone was pleased that they had been open about their treatment.
Clare was very open about her first IVF cycle but regretted it when the cycle failed because she had to deal with the disappointment of her friends and family, as well as her own devastation. The second time around, she hardly told anyone.
She felt part of the problem was that IVF treatment is so complicated it is hard for those who haven’t been through it to really understand what it entails physically and emotionally.
Maggie also wished she hadn’t told friends about her fertility treatment.
Clare found that although she was open with her friends about her IVF treatment only those who had been through their own treatment had the framework to understand what she was going through.
Clare found that although she was open with her friends about her IVF treatment only those who had been through their own treatment had the framework to understand what she was going through.
But the problem is that IVF is so complicated, unless you actually have been through a cycle or know someone who’s been through it, most of the time the information that you’re feeding to your friends and family, they have no idea what you’re talking about. I remember the first time I came back from the clinic on my first cycle, and I’d had my scan during my stimming injections, and I had thirteen follicles. And I texted all my friends to tell them I had thirteen follicles. One of my friends, who had been through three cycles of IVF herself, texted me back and said, “That’s brilliant.” All the others texted me back and said, “What is a follicle?” And I think that really brought it home to me that actually there wasn’t really a lot of point in involving them in every stage, because they really had no idea what I was talking about. And I think one texted back and said, “Is that good or bad?” Because she’s got no, no sort of frame of reference. I mean if everyone else is getting three hundred follicles, then clearly thirteen is rubbish. But she had absolutely no frame of reference at all to understand what I was talking about. And I think at that stage I realised that actually it probably wasn’t really worth telling everybody. And I mean that was the brilliant thing about the Infertility Network, because of course I had a whole bunch of friends online who I could go and post in the chat room and say, “I’ve had thirteen follicles.” And they’d all come back and go, “That’s great” because they all knew exactly what I was talking about. So I think, in that respect I think we’ll probably keep it quite quiet. Not because we don’t want to involve our friends, but because there’s largely little point in involving your friends to that extent, because they probably won’t really understand what you’re going through and all the different stages. I mean possibly sort of at the, you know, after embryo transfer, when I can tell them and say, “Look, I’m waiting to find out if I’m pregnant or not” at that stage maybe. But even then they’re not going to get the, the depths of, of fear and the intensity of feelings that surround it, because they haven’t been there. And it’s very very difficult to understand unless you’ve actually been through it.
Maggie wished that she hadn't told friends about her fertility treatment. She received unwelcome advice and also felt that they got rather bored hearing about it. She felt very isolated.
Maggie wished that she hadn't told friends about her fertility treatment. She received unwelcome advice and also felt that they got rather bored hearing about it. She felt very isolated.
Martin and his wife were open about their treatment from the start. On the whole, this decision was a good idea for them, although it did have consequences. When they told their friends, some were sensitive to the situation and others seemed 'bored'.
However, being open about infertility and treatment sometimes meant that people who had also had treatment came out of the woodwork, which they found was 'very supportive'.
Martin felt some friends were 'walking on eggshells' around them affecting the dynamics of their relationships.
Martin felt some friends were 'walking on eggshells' around them affecting the dynamics of their relationships.
See also 'Infertility and relationships with family and friends'.
See ‘Information and support’ for more on support groups for infertility.
Last reviewed: May 2025.
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