Bereavement due to suicide
Practical matters after a suicide
After someone dies, many practical matters must be sorted out, and friends and family can be a great help.
After Stephen’s wife died he found it very helpful to have his brother in the house, who told others what had happened, and who also, with the help of friends, 'managed everything’.
Stephen appreciated help with practical matters. His brother acted as his secretary, and friends came round with food for him and his daughters.
Stephen appreciated help with practical matters. His brother acted as his secretary, and friends came round with food for him and his daughters.
Well, one of the biggest helps was having someone around, who, as I say, I had someone here for the first four weeks and they just did everything. I don’t think I cooked for the first ten days, I mean this food would just turn up on the doorstep.
Mm.
I mean literally people would just drop food round. I know people sometimes wonder what to do or what to say, well there’s nothing to say and there’s nothing to do as such, but just do what feels right and if it comes from the right place it’ll be right, you know. So there’s a whole load of things to be done, I mean there’s all the accounts to be closed, and there’s all the insurances and there’s, you know you’ve got joint accounts which need to then become single accounts, you’ve obviously, you get the interim, I mean this is only a particular issue with the police, you get an interim death certificate, which is fine for pretty much everything, yeah I mean it was even fine for the insurance, the interim death certificate. It was just a lot to do, it was just tedious and boring and having someone who could just do that and phone people and find out about you know, you know speak to the authorities about it.
I’m just trying to think, there are various grants available. I know we spoke to the local authorities about various things and, there’s lists that you can get of all the sort of things that you need to think about when someone dies, and you know I have to be honest, I can’t remember because I didn’t do any of it, you know, people were, it was just, yes and my brother, and my brother was here for two and a half weeks and he was just like my secretary.
Mm.
And it was just like you know, I’d go to do something, and he’d say, “No, you just get on and read, go out and have a coffee, go and do whatever you know, my job is here to sort of like to sort, you know, to sort,” and that’s just fantastic you know just having someone who you can,…. another friend just came in, just started clearing things out.
Mm.
Gill was a great hoarder, and some of the time he threw away way too much stuff you know, but, do I notice it now? No. You know at the time it was like, “Oh that’s a bit sort of …” you know, but so, yeah I mean, there were endless things to do, but as I say having someone, having someone, having someone there to just to allow you to do whatever you want to do, and not have to worry about sort of phoning people and getting hold of things and filling in forms and you know, people were filling in forms for me, and just getting me to sign, you know, “Sign this,” you know, “I’ll sign that.”
That’s good.
It was just, just great. You know and you could just, of course the other thing at the time was that, well my voice would go hoarse because you know there were no five minute conversations.
Managing wills and estates
If the person who died made a will, the executor or personal representative of the will is responsible for managing and distributing belongings and property according to the will and for ensuring that all debts, taxes, and expenses of the estate are paid.
The executor's role can be complex and daunting, particularly as executors are typically ‘next of kin’ or close relatives of the deceased who are also dealing with their own grief, though a solicitor may deal with some of the work.
Sometimes if an estate is large or complicated it is necessary to employ a solicitor. It is also possible to complete the legal process of managing the estate (probate) using the coroner’s ‘interim death certificate’ (see below).
A few people we talked to mentioned that the person who died had left a will. When Susan’s father died by suicide her brother was the executor. He found it quite easy to manage everything because their father had left clear instructions.
In contrast, when Paula’s husband died, she had great difficulty sorting out his affairs because he had left multiple estates, including an estate in Turkey and another one in Scotland. Paula had to get the death certificate translated and had to find a relative in Turkey to manage the estate there.
The contents of a will may be unexpected or distressing. Mike was very upset on finding that his father had left half his money to his stepmother.
After his father died Mike resented the fact that his step-mother would benefit from his father’s estate. He found it difficult to deal with the solicitors.
After his father died Mike resented the fact that his step-mother would benefit from his father’s estate. He found it difficult to deal with the solicitors.
Was that difficult?
Well it was because the thing that was very upsetting to us was my mother and father had worked for thirty odd years themselves and, to accumulate what they’d got materially, and the Will was about to be changed to leaving everything to my stepmother. Her half, she was going get half of everything anyway, and as it turned out she ended up getting half of everything that both my mother and father had worked for all those years and the other fifty percent was split between me and my sister. So we resented that very much, I mean if she’d been a good wife to him then that would’ve been different, we wouldn’t have minded. We didn’t have any objection to him getting married again we could see how upset and lonely he was that wasn’t a problem to us, but it was just very unfortunate that he ended up marrying the wrong woman, basically.
Yes.
So that was quite a difficult time?
Very difficult time, having to deal with solicitors, to sort of ensure that our legal interests were being represented, and we were going get our share of what we should be getting entitled to under the Will, so that was a difficult time yes, very difficult.
Other practical matters after a death
After a suicide the bereaved relative does not register the death; instead, the coroner registers the death after the inquest is concluded, when the relatives then obtain the ‘final death certificate’ from the registrar.
Before the inquest, an ‘interim death certificate’ is issued so that practical matters can be dealt with. Only the coroner can issue it, but the coroner’s officer or a family liaison officer (FLO) may deliver it, or it may be posted.
For more information, see 'The Family Liaison Officer's role' in our section on 'Bereavement after traumatic death'.
After someone dies, a list of the various things that need to be done or thought about is made available from the registrar. For example, relatives contact the Bereavement Register to arrange for the dead person’s name to be taken off mailing lists and databases in the UK (see 'Resources and Information').
The news of the death will need to be shared with others, including professional organisations that the person was registered with as well as people who knew the deceased person personally. There are often more people to inform about a death than expected, and it can be overwhelming and daunting to manage.
Examples of companies and organisations that may need to be informed about the person’s death include: pension schemes, insurance companies, bank or building societies, mortgage providers, the tax office, the work place, college or school, utility providers, car insurance, DVLA to return a driving licence, the passport office to return a passport, social services, and the library. The deceased’s doctor and dentist also need to know.
GOV.UK and the Bereavement Advice Centre have published detailed guides and checklists about managing practical matters after a death (see 'Resources and Information').
When someone has died due to suicide, passing on this information to officials may be particularly distressing. Other people may not know what to say, or they may make insensitive comments.
Managing communication with officials and organisations
Some people found that officials from some organisations failed to reply to their letters or demanded to speak to the account holder, even though the account holder was the person who had died. Sometimes they demanded a final death certificate.
Others said that companies or organisations continued to send letters addressed to the deceased person for years after the death had occurred, which was hurtful.
Alex said he felt outraged when an insurance company failed to reply to his letters. When the chairperson of the company eventually got involved in the situation, the letter was addressed to Alex’s daughter Alice, who had died.
Alex found that almost all organisations were efficient and sensitive, but one company failed to reply to letters. Eventually the Chairman sent a reply to Alice, who had died.
Alex found that almost all organisations were efficient and sensitive, but one company failed to reply to letters. Eventually the Chairman sent a reply to Alice, who had died.
Steve said that after his sister died he found 'the bureaucracy' difficult to manage. Some officials wanted a letter from his parents, who were next of kin, stating that his sister had died, even though he had sent them an interim death certificate.
Steve decided that his parents were not in a fit state to write letters about their daughter’s death and he preferred to lose the money that was owed to the family. However, dealing with the officials gave him a purpose and made him feel he was doing something for his sister
Utility companies had to be informed. Steve made a copy of his sister’s interim death certificate and sent a standard letter. Some companies wanted a letter from the next of kin.
Utility companies had to be informed. Steve made a copy of his sister’s interim death certificate and sent a standard letter. Some companies wanted a letter from the next of kin.
The reason that we knew she was missing; there was something odd going on was that my mum found a huge amount of cash in their carport the day that my sister went missing. And so that’s why we knew something was wrong. So financially she’d even sorted that out. There were envelopes for each of the family members containing various amounts of cash. And there were other things to sort out as well though such as the electricity, the water, the television licence. All the utilities had to be sorted out. And I just did a standard letter and copied the Interim Death Certificate and sent it with a standard letter to all of them. Came across a bit of difficulty with, with some of them because I’m not the official next of kin, my parents are but they [parents] couldn’t have done it. They were too… I don’t know, I think it kept me going having a purpose really. It felt like I was doing something for her. And in the end I gave up. Some, some of them still owe, owe us money but it doesn’t really matter. I’m not, certainly not going to pressurise my parents to write a letter to say that their daughter’s died. You know it doesn’t matter but there’s; I found bureaucracy is a bit of a pain. Having to write to the council to scatter her ashes in the local park, it may sound odd and it may sound you’d be expected to have to do it but for it to take such a long time it’s all bureaucratic stuff really that seemed to be barriers. Some of the utility companies as well wanting, wanting letters from next of kin it’s all bureaucratic nonsense really. You don’t need it at the time because you’re feeling so dreadful anyway.
Especially as you sent a copy of the [interim] Death Certificate.
Yeah it’s almost like saying, well we don’t believe you, and it hurt.
Were there any insurance companies to try and sort out as well?
No.
Some insurance companies refused to pay life insurance, or any other insurance claims, because the person had died by suicide, or had died by suicide within a year of taking out the policy.
If the policy had been taken out more than a year before the person had died, some companies agreed to pay the insurance claims.
Banks had to be informed too.
Bob felt that he lacked information about the implications of freezing his son’s bank account. Bob told the bank that his son had died, and the bank immediately said it would put a stop on any funds leaving the account. However, this became a problem because the bank also stopped any funds from coming into the account, such as Darren’s last wage, and a refund on some theatre tickets.
Bob had to get the account temporarily unfrozen so that money could be received again.
Managing finances and tax documents
Paying bills and the cost of the funeral was a problem for some people.
When Graham died, Marion was not aware that she could receive assistance with the cost of his funeral through the Funeral Expenses Payment. For more information about financial assistance for funerals see GOV.UK 'Funeral Expenses Payment' (‘Resources and Information’).
Marion was given information after the inquest, but that was 3 months after Graham died, which was much too late.
Paula found it hard to obtain information to complete her husband’s tax return from a company her husband had worked at. Initially, a fine was issued, even though her husband was deceased, because the tax document was returned late. However, it eventually became clear that her husband was deceased, and no tax was owed, so Paula received a rebate.
Melanie was very angry that she had to pay tax on her Widowed Parent’s Allowance (WPA), an allowance that was given to a parent in receipt of Child Benefit payments whose spouse or civil partner had died.
The WPA has now been replaced by the Bereavement Support Payment scheme. See GOV.UK ‘Bereavement Support Payment’ for more information (‘Resources and Information’).
Adjusting and sorting in the aftermath of a suicide
Melanie also found it hard to adjust without Simon and with having to do everything on her own. When Simon was alive, he had looked after the garden and did simple house repairs.
After a person has died, clearing up the room where the death had occurred, or sorting out clothes and other belongings, were tasks that had to be undertaken by someone. Some people found these tasks 'difficult and distressing’. Some people’s friends helped with these tasks (see Interview 31, Stephen’s account, above).
Two years after Rose died Susan started to clear up her room and sort out her things. She found diaries and journals that ‘tore her apart’.
Two years after Rose died Susan started to clear up her room and sort out her things. She found diaries and journals that ‘tore her apart’.
I have the most terrible … it took me. I know that I can’t mention it. I didn’t touch her room until this summer. It was in complete and utter chaos because one of the worst things that happened while she was ill is that her stuff was brought back. She thought she was only coming home for a few weeks and then she’d be back in London. So her room in London was full of her stuff. And her friends, well meaning but it was terrible, packed her stuff into boxes, drove up, came through the front door, put them in the hall and said, “Here’s your stuff”. And Rose just howled and said, “That is my life, just piled back.”
So I couldn’t bear to do any of it. And then because I thought we were moving I realised I’d got to do the attic. I hadn’t been into the attic for a year because I couldn’t bear to go there.
Hmm.
So I got some … I got a carpet firm to come and re-carpet the room where she died because obviously they’d taken everything. And I cleared the attic which is big; it’s three enormous rooms and her room. And I knew I would find stuff that absolutely tore me apart and I did, a lot of it.
Hmm.
Diaries, journals, the, the complete, gaps there were between her and I that I hadn’t realised. A lot of what she felt about me which was just awful, but, and yet at the same time I thought, “No she’s writing this when depressed”. They weren’t when she came home, they were the year before.
People found other practical matters difficult to manage.
Stuart, for example, had to collect his wife’s car from a car recovery company. The police had taken it there after Anne had died. He did not collect the car immediately and was upset when the company tried to charge him for storage.
Dealing with the aftermath of the death reminded some people of the importance of having an up-to-date will.
Soon after Simon died Melanie decided to make a new will because her children were worried about what might happen to them if she died unexpectedly. She found friends who would be guardians for the children in the event of her death.
For more information and guidance about steps to take and practical matters after a death, see GOV.UK’s guide ‘What to do when someone dies’, and the Bereavement Advice Centre’s checklist and resources (‘Resources and Information’)
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999 or attend A&E right away. If you or someone else needs urgent help for mental health, call 111 or access NHS 111 online at 111.nhs.uk for help.
If you or someone you know is struggling, help and support are available. See NHS mental health and 'Resources and Information' for more, including help and resources for people bereaved by suicide.
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