Young people's experiences of periods and period pain
Parents perspectives on supporting young people with periods and period pain
We didn’t set out specifically to speak with parents about their experiences of supporting young people with periods and period pain. However, some young people wanted to speak with us along with a parent or parents. In this section, we share what we heard from those parents.This summary covers:
• Looking for information or resources as a parent or carer supporting a child with periods
• Impacts of young people’s periods and period pain on parents and carers
Looking for information or resources as a parent or carer supporting a child with periods
Adolescence was recognised as a difficult time, even without periods. April’s mum described how “it’s a difficult age enough as it is, I think, with everything else and social media and the pressures of, I think, school and, you know, the pressures on them as it is. And then when you have [periods and period pain] kind of thrown into the mix”. Willow’s mum noticed that her child became a bit more “private” and that there was a slight shift in relationships, turning more to her mum than her dad than before, especially about periods.
April’s and Scarlett’s mums reflected on not having been sure when or how to begin talking to their young person about periods and period pain before they started. Having these early conversations about periods and period pain could be complicated when parents weren’t sure what had been covered at school.
April’s mum wanted her daughter to learn about periods from her before hearing about them elsewhere, but wasn’t sure where to find reliable resources (read by an actor).
April’s mum wanted her daughter to learn about periods from her before hearing about them elsewhere, but wasn’t sure where to find reliable resources (read by an actor).
Mum: And, you know, it was just kind of... ’cause there’s... there is a lot out there, but you... it... it’s trying to sift through it all to find the most reliable and useful. Like and I suppose not all parents would do that either. You know, there’s... And that you... you think you feel... you know, for the children that probably don’t have that, those discussions at home, that they’re either probably more reliant on school, so it’s... you know, you think of it... you kind of want... or if the children themselves look, you know if they hear their friends talking about periods, ’cause I mean I’m sure, you know, they did before periods started, it would have been, ’cause I know she came home and talked... mentioned to me about a couple of girls that had started their periods earlier, so they must have talked about it, because they knew about it, but then you think, you know, if those girls hadn’t had anybody maybe at home to talk about it, you know, where did they get their information from?
Yeah.
Mum: ’cause I think a lot of the school books is only looking at the biology of it all, and I think she’s probably... you know, she’s probably right, the information around what the flow could be like, what pain could be like, how you deal with the anxiety about if you have got a heavy period, the worry about something happening at school or when you’re out, and I don’t think there’s enough information or easily accessible information for children about that.
Some parents looked for information and resources to help them support their young person with periods and period pain. This could include resources to guide conversations: what to say about periods, when to talk about it, what to expect from early periods, and how to advise young people on managing periods and period bleeding.
April’s mum hadn’t been sure about when to start talking about periods or what resources could help her with this(read by an actor).
April’s mum hadn’t been sure about when to start talking about periods or what resources could help her with this(read by an actor).
Mum: I think, so I can... Yeah, I think, kind of when... you know, you never quite know when...and I suppose every child’s different, when to start talking to your child about periods. And we... I started once she started asking questions, when she was young. So, she kind of started asking questions around topics like that, she was... so... And we bought her a book, but that was just through a friend recommended, and we talked through that together. Do you remember the book?
April: I do.
Mum: Uh-huh.
April: I remember that [chuckles].
Mum: Yes.
April: Yeah.
Mum: And then we talked through that. And then I think just because I’ve never really hidden periods, you know, and we’ve never really hidden things, we’ve always talked about it at home, so you knew... kind of knew about it, didn’t you? And, you know, she would see my... you know, the packs of pads in the drawer anyway that are there, so we talked about that. But I think from the point of view... you... and I think I was just guided by her. But I suppose there was still that kind of anxiety around when do you start talking to your child about it, when do you start preparing them? And I suppose that’s quite different because girls start at different ages: some start very young, some start older. But I think from... there’s nothing really, unless you go searching, there’s not... the resources are a bit... you don’t know what... what’s reliable; you would have to go and research it all about it yourself. And then, you know, I don’t think I’ve ever come across anything that’s explained around the pain or the moods, and nothing really about the fact that periods could be heavy as well.
River’s parent reflected on different parenting styles and approaches to early conversations about periods. While some parents might want to avoid talking about periods with their children, to “keep them in childhood”, River’s parent’s perspective was “let’s talk about this, let’s... and, you know, you can fix a problem if you know about it and understand it, can’t you”. Willow’s mum looked on online for advice and, after reading reviews, bought some books to support conversations with Willow about periods. Aprils mum bought a book that her friend had recommended.
Dr Katy Vincent explains that people in families might have periods that are similar to each others, or very different. Either way, doctors want to see anyone with period bleeding or pain that is getting in the way or stopping you doing things.
Dr Katy Vincent explains that people in families might have periods that are similar to each others, or very different. Either way, doctors want to see anyone with period bleeding or pain that is getting in the way or stopping you doing things.
We often hear people describe their periods in a way that comparison to other members of their families, to their mum, to their sister, to their aunt, for example. And we know that that can be a really useful way of understanding what periods are like and learning about periods. But actually, if your periods are getting in the way of your life, then please come and see us.
We don't mind if they're not as bad as your mum's or if they're worse than your mum's. Either way, we'd like to see you.
Some parents drew on their own experience of periods and period pain to help them and their young person make sense of their periods. This included when periods were first starting. When her daughter’s early periods were quite heavy, April’s mum recalled that she herself was "probably a little bit more shocked or fazed by it than April”.
Parents told us that they sometimes drew on their own experiences to make sense of their child’s periods as they changed or developed over time. Sometimes, like for Liv and her mum, this was because her mum could see how their period experiences were similar. Other times, like for River and his mum, this was because his mum could see that what he was experiencing was nothing like what they recalled. In both of these situations, this helped parents recognise that they should ask for more support and advice: “as his mum I thought this... this is my own life experience, I thought, ‘this is not normal,’ and I said to River: ‘We need to start noting this down’.”
Scarlett’s Mum didn’t have problems with her periods as a teenager. She was worried when her daughter’s periods were so painful and took her to the doctors.
Scarlett’s Mum didn’t have problems with her periods as a teenager. She was worried when her daughter’s periods were so painful and took her to the doctors.
Mum: Well, I... I did know... I... I know about endometriosis and I know an aunt of mine had it and she had trouble having children.
Mm.
Mum: Now, I never had any problems with periods as a... you know, in my experience it was just a day of pain and maybe a few days and then it was... it was helped with paracetamol, but because I was watching my... my little girl go through all this, I just had to do something, and obviously were then was doing a bit of research on the internet to see, you know, what it could be, and endometriosis is something that kept coming up, but it did seem to be, you know, an 11-year-old child, you know, there was nothing on that ’cause they... they don’t know.
Recognising that things like period products had changed since they started their periods, parents and their young people sometimes had to learn about these together.
Eve and her mum didn’t know about period pants, and have been learning about them together (read by an actor).
Eve and her mum didn’t know about period pants, and have been learning about them together (read by an actor).
Eve’s mum: Well, I just what you think, I think we... we didn’t know much about the period pants, do you remember, and we were looking at them and we... and we still...And they’ve been quite good haven’t they. Yeah, you—
Eve: They’ve been really good.
Eve’s mum: Yeah. So, when you first started and it was quite heavy, do you remember?
Eve: Yeah.
Eve’s mum: And it was like... yeah, you... you were really... and we were both quite shocked, and then you were using pads, and that was a bit uncomfortable, but then I... I didn’t know much about period pants, so I’ve been looking at it online and you’ve been trying them out and then you’ve been telling me: “OK, this one was good,” do you... do you remember?
Eve: Uh-huh.
Eve’s mum: And I’ve just gone and bought you one that’s quite... do you remember that lacy one? And you didn’t like it as much ’cause I didn’t see it. But I think it’s been... Do you think that they... you found them... you seem to find them a lot more comfortable, don’t you?
Eve: Yeah.
Eve’s mum: But yeah, we’ve been trying that kinda together ’cause I didn’t know much about it either, yeah.
Scarlett’s mum recognised that not all young people have parents who talk to them or support them around their periods. She explained: “there’s children out there maybe who wouldn’t be as close to their mums, and Scarlett can talk... feels like she can talk to me about anything, but there’s probably girls out there who maybe don’t have a good relationship with their mum”.
Impacts of young people’s periods and period pain on parents and carers
A number of the parents talked about how hard it could be to see their child struggling with their periods and period pain. As Anayaa’s mum put it: “it is really difficult because she’s in pain and it’s difficult for me as well when she’s full of tears and I can’t do anything”. Leila’s mum, who had her own experience of severe period pain, said how she “would like Leila to not have to go through it. If I could take it away, I would”.
It could be difficult for parents to know how to advise their children about period pain. Emily’s mum tried to find a supportive balance: “it’s really difficult ’cause like, Emily will say to me: “Oh, you don’t understand, it really hurts,” I said, “I do understand,” but it’s really hard, you’ve got quite a few years ahead of you with this, and it’s really important to know how to manage your systems and just build a... it’s a fine line between, you know, empathy and also building a little bit of resilience and being able to cope with it”.
Haseen explains how as a father he encourages his daughter to talk to him about periods, so that she feels comfortable to ask for help and he can support her.
Haseen explains how as a father he encourages his daughter to talk to him about periods, so that she feels comfortable to ask for help and he can support her.
To me, I think it's extremely important that to make my first, make my daughter feel comfortable and safe to ask me a question. And if she's in pain, then tell me about it. And in my capacity, whatever I can to help her out, I will help her out.
And most importantly, that comfort and safety to talk to me is paramount. And I think it's extremely important. I give her the space for her to feel happy to talk to me without any inhibitions. That's what I would say to any dad.
For some young people, their periods limited what they could do which in turn impacted their parents and family. Scarlett’s mum was able to work from home when her daughter was having period pain that stopped them sleeping, but it would have been difficult to manage otherwise.
Leila needs constant support when she has her period. This can impact on whether she can go to school, where her parents can work, and on the whole family’s activities.
Leila needs constant support when she has her period. This can impact on whether she can go to school, where her parents can work, and on the whole family’s activities.
Mum: In that, the... the... the level of support that she needs when she has the pain is completely undivided – you can’t leave the room – so it’s completely undivided support. I do work, and it’s... it’s tricky because obviously for a couple of days a month, she needs somebody in the room with... When it’s bad, she needs somebody in the room with her,—
Dad: Yeah, to calm her... and... yeah.
Mum: —stroking—
Leila: It’s all right, yeah.
Mum: —and, you know, administering paracetamol suppositories and keeping the penguin warm and, you know, making sure that she’s having plenty to drink,—
Leila: I know, with you.
Mum: —and those sorts of things.
So, it has quite a big impact on all of you.
Mum: It does, yes, yeah. And obviously she needs you to change the pads and the pants, and all that kind of thing, but for certainly several hours this morning,—
Dad: I know, you can’t... yeah.
Mum: —and you... you can’t be separated from her.
Leila: over in a minute.
Dad: And I... I tend to get up and go very early with [name] and normally Leila not awake, so that can be really tricky for [Mum] because I’ve got up and gone and I’m at school before... before Leila wakes up. And then poor [Mum’s] up here—
Mum: And if she’s woken up with a period and I’m supposed to be elsewhere in a meeting, so it’s like: “I’m really sorry, I can’t come today,” and-
Dad: Yeah, that’s really hard, yeah.
Leila: It’s all right, and—
Mum: And, you know, she does miss some college because of it.
And do they... they... —
Mum: They... they are absolutely fine, they... they don’t—
And what about your work?
Dad: Well—
Mum: Yeah, I’m lucky that I can often work from home. It’s tricky if it’s... You know, sometimes I’m supposed to be halfway round... round [place name], but...
Mum: Yeah, it’s... it’s... it’s difficult. It... it kind of impacts... her periods impact all of us. So it... it’s... you know, in an evening when I’m supposed to be going to watch them in a show, or something, I can’t take her, so I can’t go either,—
Leila: I’m not in it.
Mum: —so it makes that sort of thing...
Dad: And I’m out, had a long day, a long day…
Managing people’s periods and period pain came with financial costs, that not all families could afford. This could mean some options for managing bleeding were not available to everyone. This included things like period pants, which can be a big upfront cost, or choosing to pay for private healthcare. Some parents shared worries about the possible impacts of periods and period pain for their child’s future. For Leila, this meant figuring out her long-term support needs, exploring workable options to ease her period bleeding and pain, and ensuring she had someone to advocate for her.
Scarlett’s Mum says she holds a worry in the “back of my head” about the possible future impacts of her daughter’s painful periods.
Scarlett’s Mum says she holds a worry in the “back of my head” about the possible future impacts of her daughter’s painful periods.
Mum: I think... I think my... my concern is, is that when she’s of an age where she... maybe she’s, you know, get married and wants to have children, or whatever, that then she’s gonna have to go off this patch, and obviously... you know, and then there’ll be... But look, I know that’s worrying about way into the future, but that in the back of my head I do wonder, you know, when she comes off it, is she gonna be put back into that?
Mm.
Mum: ’cause I would... have experience of women in work that... who I would work with, who would have very, very, you know, almost debilitating pa... the pains, and I see them suffering, and it’s because they’re trying to have children that they can’t go on the... back on the pill, or whatever.
Uh-huh.
Mum: So that’s in the back of my head, but look, we’re not gonna worry about that now, she’s only 13.
Yeah, yeah.
Mum: But Mummies worry, you know.
A number of parents talked about needing to be an advocate for their young person. This included speaking up for and supporting their child in school or healthcare interactions about periods and period pain. When we spoke with River, he was being educated at home because of his period and pelvic pain. River’s parents had encouraged River to self-advocate, for example about getting access to school toilets during lessons, but eventually found that they “had to get involved as a parent”.
River’s mum described feeling like they are walking a “tightrope” between their young person, their education and medical professionals (read by an actor).
River’s mum described feeling like they are walking a “tightrope” between their young person, their education and medical professionals (read by an actor).
Mum: So River was fortunate that I had written in, done as much backup on written notices, etc, to the school, so that I’d communicated things too, and I tried to make sure if a... a staff member was being not helpful, shall we say, that... that then I could communicate directly to them. But not everybody’s... a parent can do that—
River: Yeah.
Mum: —and not everybody has that kind of relationship with their parents to get them to do that as well.
Then the fear is they’re now creeping into me as a parent, and like it... I... it’s... so I’m hanging on a thread of somebody believing us and being supportive on the thread. And you... and I still to this day feel that at any time,—
River: They could switch off.
Mum:—they could switch on us. And then that also affects as a parent, whether I complain about the education side of things now that he isn’t so much in school.
River: Yeah.
Mum: So, I don’t... if I complain, could that put us in jeopardy?
River: Yeah.
Mum: So, I... I feel like we’re on a tightrope between education, the medical profession, and trying to keep this young human being going in their lives so that they’re not missing out, and keeping hope as well, ’cause sometimes, as we’ve explained, some of the interactions are, you know, not always what you expect, blah-blah-blah, and like we were talking about sometimes he giggles or laughs, which is normal at his age, but, you know, then afterwards, you know, he’ll be really upset. Like at... when you’re away from the medical professional and you’re back at home and you’ve re... you know, you’ve thought about it for a while, he could be really upset about what’s going on and—
River: Yeah.
Mum: —and feel frustrated or the... those—
River: Angry.
Mum: —kind of angry, those kinda feelings. So, it is a tightrope, isn’t it?
River: Yeah.
Mum: the education side...
Leila’s parents are long-term advocates for her health needs. They try to ensure her needs are understood and heard, and that their knowledge about what works for her - and what doesn’t is heard.
Liv’s Mum thinks that parents should listen to their children, and that doctors should listen to young people and their parents.
Liv’s Mum thinks that parents should listen to their children, and that doctors should listen to young people and their parents.
Mum: Only two things really: 1. how proud I am of Liv and 2. ... well, 3. The second one is parents’ experience isn’t listened to either: from day one I was saying, “It’s endometriosis and PCOS. I know it is. Please can you help my child?”
Liv: Mm.
Mum: And that wasn’t even... it wasn’t even written down.
I think focussing on what Liv said about the listening and trusting your instinct, I mean, as a parent, listen to your child. We know our children better than the doctor that you see, you know, twice a year does, obviously, so if we say “this isn’t a teenage-angst moment, there is something clinically wrong here”, then that should carry a little bit of weight.
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